CCR drawings
CCR text
work plan
Mark up drawings with the work plan
finalize that HASP
work on my licensure
Meet with K on Thursday to go over the work plan – then wrap it up and send to S.
Application
Hey WordPress saved my post that I forgot to publish. Gave it to me a day late but not a dollar short.
Actually making progress on BC and MC CCR. Now I need to add preparing a talk to my list.
At least yesterday’s meeting gave me fodder for my application.
The times I’ve almost quit have always been because of how some man treated me. Maybe if we had as many women as men, the reason would just be “interpersonal issues”. But I don’t think so. I think there’s something unique about the disrespect we get from some men. It hurts more. And seems more existential. When M is a mess and blames me, that feels bad. When K undermines my intelligence and work ethic… that’s just different. Maybe because when I tell people about it, they’re quick to recognize that M has stuff going on and it’s probably her more than me. With K, it’s oh yeah he’s an asshole but you have to wait 5 years for anything at all to be done about it.
Why have I stayed? I need a job. Spite. Nah, my ambition to advance comes from spite a lot of the time. I stay in the industry because I have to eat. Having E to talk to has kept me here. Having male mentors has also kept me here. P came close to driving me out.
How has S gotten this far with no group? Sheer force of will? Uncommon talent? Probably. And why is she so rare, why aren’t there more senior women? Pipeline problems, and not everyone has the kind of iron grit that you need to put up with the bullshit and to manage a career with little support and no role models. How do they support themselves when they leave the industry? Husbands? Surely not. That one girl went into real estate. Anyway, some days I don’t have the grit.
Most people don’t have grit every day, and nobody should have to. What keeps your career going if not grit? Support from others. A women’s ERG.
I’m the second or third most senior woman in our office. Maybe I always have been even when I was junior… because that one lady got fired and there have always only been two or three more senior women, and they’re barely senior. So this feels like a responsibility. How do I do something with this? How do I support the newer women? Oh there’s a couple of women who are remote, but that seriously doesn’t count. Not good leadership. Back to me. Basically in my office and in this group, I want to be part of the leadership program to learn how to make an impact. Or to use my position as effectively as I can to help women feel included.
I’m so angry whenever I think about gender specific issues. So I try not to think about it. But if I avoid thinking about my position in this world, I can’t change my position. What if instead I lean in and do something positive? Actively do something about women’s place in this company. Actively (more actively) make myself available to junior women.
Everyone needs support. Many men get it automatically. Many women don’t. I didn’t. We get other stuff automatically, like disrespect. It’s so hard to even explain what happens to me as a woman. Having E here has saved my career too.
I can’t believe I’ve never had a women’s group before. And that it never occurred to me that I could have one. At the last company, what if we had had a group with senior women in it? The creepy guy from upstairs could have been dealt with instead of just whispers. I could have felt more empowered to talk to someone about that construction super with the fucking ugh don’t even go there. I told B on site, and that worked fine. But what if I had been able to tell a woman? Maybe at that company it would have been just like “oh yeah that happened to me and I did absolutely nothing and that’s also what you should do”. But at this company, I told N about it and she fired him instantly. Maybe there’s multiple reasons I feel more empowered at this point in my career. More than one person in the meeting said “stuff happens in the field and they walk a line between appropriate and inappropriate so you don’t know what to think”. So many times. With a women’s group, we can have a sounding board. “Is K bullying me or am I just overly sensitive?” “Would he treat a man like this?” “IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?” S thought we didn’t need this group anymore. I thought sexism was over when I was growing up. S started her career when I was a kid. And succeeded “in spite of being a woman”. My mother… a genius but didn’t have the people skills that women are supposed to have. Struggled her whole career, getting punished. Of course she was angry. And K is here with similar personality and just sailing through life.
A women’s group could have helped every time something happened where I wasn’t sure if it was sexist or inappropriate or etc. Where I wasn’t sure what to do or even what to think.
Being a woman or part of any minority group makes it harder to have a sense of belonging. We need to make up for what is missing for women – the unequal numbers and the <gestures at everything>.
I want to be part of leading the women’s group. I am, ever since I sent an email to S yesterday. I want to be as good at that as I can be. This company has been good to me, and I want to make sure it’s good for others and remains good for me. Also I’ve still had times where I came close to quitting and stayed only because other companies would probably be worse sexism-wise. I think being part of leading this group can help me feel a sense of agency and empowerment. And a leadership program can help me give the best leadership I can.
Why did I cry so much yesterday? Maybe I’ve been stressed. But I think it is this women’s thing. I think something has been missing – this group has been missing – for my whole career. I’ve lost something I didn’t know I could have. I haven’t made as much progress as I could have in my career. There’s a grief for what’s been lost. Life has been unfair. And I’ve done my best. My best could have been worth more if I were a man. And my best could have been more organized and better. That all hurts. I’m trying to turn this into a positive..
Today I helped S with quantities. Worked on my application. Worked a lot on MC CCR figures. Attended vision meeting. Planned my tech talk.
Can I Focus? 