Can I Focus?

Print out stuff for the R project so I can read it while I’m gone.

I know where to go once I’m there. Read the relevant specs. Read the contractor’s plan.

I feel like such a loser. Nobody wanted to work with me for months. Now I don’t get to stand up for myself or say no to dumb stuff because beggars can’t be choosers.

I really don’t want to do this. I told R he has to back me up. I hate being treated like garbage. I don’t feel ready to meet a new person. I feel so stressed. I’m being jerked around by these people. It’ll be better when L is back? Maybe. I am being set up for failure. But it won’t be my failure.

Man fuck this.

Sometimes M just sleeps. I haven’t had enough work for months. I’ve been asking for work that whole time from my network and now beyond. Just be aware of it. Bitch fuck off.

Just fill out the damn spreadsheet and go home!

I’m so well organized. I put a lot of effort into that when I was functioning better. Wait. I’ll just go home right now. Do the spreadsheet in the morning.

You don’t know what you’re doing or you’re fearful that you don’t know what to do. have to finalize the o&m plan. I can do this. Accept changes. Compile. Find the old compiled one and replace the parts that need it.

Nah compile from scratch. I can do this.

Oop I did it!

Ok not going to start something else I don’t think. At least not before I put clothes on for workout.

I think I have ADD. I do one step and then need a break doing sudoku or instagram or something. And then I have to find my place again. What if I could just focus? I could be amazing.

Well I think the question of the blog has been answered. No I cannot focus.

But what if I had amphetamines?

I can nap after coffee.

So many things are ringing true. Not everything but a lot of it.

The stress has come down. Maybe take a walk outside and then eat my lunch?? Yeah that’s a good idea, hte only good one I’ve had in the last hour.

Writing worked yesterday. I got out of my funk. I feel better today. I didn’t need to go into a shame spiral yesterday. But I did. But I got out of it. Maybe I kept it from being a spiral and kept to a passing feeling. Feelings pass. Notice them, name them.

Now address the things on the SB drawings that we just talked about. Then check off everything in the email. Then send out to S, K, T, B.

I like this book.

Larder or the ramen place for dinner maybe.

I have to go.

I don’t feel like doing anything. Except writing more I guess. I did my morning pages. Facing M was easier than expected. Of course it was easy, he’s easy. He’s really very nice. I could listen to a podcast. I could just put one foot in front of the other. I think the physical putting one foot in front of the other would be easier. Than… thinking of what I’m supposed to do even feels hard. So if walking would be easier, walk the dog. Or go for a walk. But I’m supposed to be sitting here getting my act together. I could give myself half an hour and then I have to go for a walk outside no matter what. That’s actually a really good idea. 11am. I go outside.

Ok I’m supposed to review D’s memo. And check in with S on hers. I think my email is relatively clean. I could go through that, make the to do list, all that. 35 emails in my inbox. Ok. Some of these can be filed away right away.

E’s emails are way too long.

On the other hand, easily readable in one minute if I just read the damn thing.

What if I stay level F forever? Never have to deal with bullshit. Maybe that’s what K is doing. Pretending he doesn’t want more.

I feel good enough to capitalize the beginnings of sentences today. Because D and S did such a good job.

Do I need to meet with S? Meeting with P seems even better. More is more?

gross. harder to focus when depressed. harder to not be depressed when I don’t have work on the horizon. ok so I should ask for more. don’t feel like i can when i’m dragging my feet on my current stuff. dragging my feet on my current stuff because i’m depressed.

no i cannot focus. blog over.ok trying to rethink this document. it’s not too late. have to find the wp.

i feel stupid.

i was stupid in english classes. i can’t watch tv without concentrating on every moment to understand what’s going on. i can’t write. i can’t focus. i can only read really slowly. i don’t understand what goes into a design. i forget stuff.

ok then how was i at the top (in the top third but still) at c. i may be bad, but other people are worse? no i must be pretty good.